Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
