There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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