I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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