Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
The best revenge is premature balding
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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