you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
