She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
