Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
