Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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