Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Boobs are out for the taking
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
