Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
