Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize