there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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