I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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