I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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