I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she pinky promised me she was 18
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
