A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize
