New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
