neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
