The best revenge is premature balding
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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