Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
