So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
