If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
