i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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