He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
