I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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