I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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