i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
