My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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