She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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