I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize