I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
