You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
