dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
