Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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