I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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