Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
being pregnant is like rehab
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
