From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
