Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
