So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
