so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
