So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
