she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
