i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
be right there i have to get my cape
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
