He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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