Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
