I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize