You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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