Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
