I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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