currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
