Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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