I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
