I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
