So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
