on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
