The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
