Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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