He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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