I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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